iEgregious
I’m a bad boss, I know it. I think my biggest flaw is not accepting mediocre work from people when I know they’re capable of doing better. I want the people who work under me to be proud of what they do for a living. I want them to become the best they can be. Some people just don’t get it…
Rob (via e-mail): What are we doing as far as work goes? Can you assign me something? Sorry I have been out with the flu so you may not want to have direct contact with me until my cough is gone?
Me (via e-mail): Rob I’ve never wanted to have direct contact with you… Hahahha, just kidding buddy (not really). Glad to have you back. Rob, why don’t you make me an itemized list of work packets that Weren’t delivered by the Seattle team while we were in MD. Please label the list “2nd Qtr.”
Rob (via e-mail): I seem to remember someone giving me list of these work packets. I might have the numbers in my bag otherwise they are on a yellow pad at my house. I do know that they did not reside anywhere on the server out in Baltimore after doing a extensive serach on the server. Let me take a look and see if I have the numbers with me as i know i wrote them down.
Me (via e-mail): Keep me posted on what you find out Rob.
Rob (via e-mail): The attachment is a quick rundown of the work packets that wetre missing from the 2nd qtr delivery. Before we left Baltimore I was only able to locate one of the work packets in question. I did a extensive search of the server before we left and I could not locate the rest of these anywhere on the server. I have my doubts after that search if they were ever developed.
Me (via e-mail): Ok, sorry if I wasn’t clear Rob. What I need is for you to find out what work packets weren’t delivered from Seattle in the 2nd Qtr.
Rob (via e-mail): I found the email which sent over the 19 work packets. However as for a excel spread sheet its coming up empty. I did take a look into my private reserve folder and found the following? Would this be what your looking for?
Me (via e-mail): No Rob, that’s from our work in MD. I’m asking you to find a list of Seattle work packages from 2nd Qtr. I want to know what was scheduled for the 2nd Qtr, & what was actually delivered. Make me an excel list with the WP #s, Technames, & Info Names.
Rob (via e-mail the next day): I’ve been looking but I don’t think it is residing there? I’ll get back with you when I sort this out.
Me (via e-mail, two minutes later): I found the long term quarterly breakdown & attached it to this e-mail.
Rob (via e-mail): I have found the email that was sent with the 2nd qtr delivery listed all that actually went to the customer. For the excel spreadsheet is this going to be used for internal use or will it be used in Baltimore as well? I basically need to know as I put this together. Also do you want the actual list that was delivered or do you want a side by side comparison list of the list on the Long Term quarterly breakdown?
Me (via e-mail): This is for our own use. I need the information to organize our workload for the next three months. Just give me a list of the PWs that were scheduled to be delivered in the 2nd Qtr but were not. Include the WP#, Techname, & Infoname into the excel spread sheet.
Rob (via e-mail): In the items for delivery do you want to include graphics delivered during that period of time? I hope this answer you question. After reviewing the LT Qtrly and compatring to the items listed on the delivery email I has listed the following that have not been delivered. I have also attached a excel spreadsheet.
(Rob lists for items)
Let me know if you need more digging.
Me (via e-mail): Ok Rob, I had a chance to double check your work & there are a few things I need you to look up. The Long Term Quarterly Breakdown states that 70 WPs were scheduled for last Quarter (2nd Qtr). I need you to find out what the other 51 work packages were.
Rob (yelling): OK, *cough* I’LL GET BACK WITH YOU WHEN I HAVE THIS TOGETHER.
Me (via e-mail): Rob, please e-mail me. I have a bad memorie. 
(aka I don’t want to hear his voice) Judging from your last attempt, how long do you think this will take you? I want to have something lined up for you when you’re done.
Rob (via e-mail): Well first I need to find some supporting docs for each of these systems that were to be delivered. Give me a day and I’ll give you a status. If I get it sooner fantastic, but I want to make sure I’m getting you the right info. (mind you, he’s already been working on this for two days).
Me (via e-mail the next day): Rob I think it’s time we moved on to another task…
Who’s the boss?
My day hasn’t been so bad.
I’ve made Rob my personal secretary. Now whenever I want to know something I task Rob & play solitaire until he give me an answer.
I Quit
Right now I have one goal in life. That goal is to never see Robert J again, by (almost) any means necessary. I’ve done a lot in my day to avoid him, from extended breaks to skipping team building exercises. I was young & I had apathy, it was my friend. Things have changed a lot over the year, I’ve grown older & more mature. My apathy has been replaced with cynicism & sloth (they’re more mature states of mind). My fear of rubber bands & love of Big League Chew have… well, grown…
I’ve also stopped trying to inadvertently get laid off. It’s something that I really haven’t talked about in the blog, but I assure you between my indifference towards work, being young, & having to deal with Robby J, I haven’t always put my best foot forward when it came to the jobby job. But after a while I realized, if they’re not going to fire that asshole Rob, they sure as hell aren’t going to fire me. Seriously, at least I get things done.
All of this came to a head, just minuets ago, when I received some disturbing new. I’ve been made a project lead. It’s a thankless job, basically I get to act as a mediator between the evil project managers & the rest of us grunts. I get a laundry list of new weekly tasks to accomplish as well as being required to complete my regularly assigned work (but I draw pictures for a living so that won’t be too bad). I have to go to meetings with smelly old men who hate me because I’m 25. I get to write up weekly reports on the status of our project. But what I dread most, is now I have to answer all of Rob’s dumb-ass questions. That’s right, I’m responsible for Robert J’s productivity, & if you’ve read any previous blogs before now you know he’s exactly not that.
Because of my new title change I’m also forced to become impartial to all of Rob’s activates (or lack there of). It’s the curse of middle management, I have no real authority, but I’m responsible when things go wrong. I’m not Rob’s manager but I have to manage the work that he does. It fucking sucks. So, from this point on I don’t just hate Robert J, I fucking hate work!
If you want something done right, you’ve got to…
You know what, fuck it! I’ll just pay a professional…
So I’ve been reading over my old blogs (as I do from time to time) & I’ve realized that I often use the annotation *Sigh* when expressing a particularly stressful situation, or as a sigh of relief. When pondering why I so eagerly add these small nuances in my blogs (my favorite is & will always be the *snicker snicker snort*, I really do laugh like that) it made me reflect on my own personal growth. Not as a writer, but as a person, because we all know that my stories are real. Thanks to this form of, free, online therapy I think I’ve become a very creative person.
Ideas flow like a fountain from this twisted little mind of mine, concepts of Rob’s ultimate demise, dreams of being free from his complete ineptitude, Big League chew… Aaaahhh, it’s the simple things in life that give us the most pleasure.
Today is the last working day of my three month exile to MD. On Saturday I’ll be flying back to Seattle, back where everything (except for Rob’s employment) makes sense, & thanks to this medium I’m able to leave a lot of excess baggage behind. The stress of the job ended last Thursday, after we sent off our deliverable. I’ve moved out of my temporary housing & in with my family for the last two days I’m going to be here. I’m packed, & I have an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.
*Sigh* This is usually the part where I add a little story about how Rob is ruining my day. Instead, I will simply bit you all adieu. Today, nothing can get me down. *snicker snicker snort*
I’ve got the (black &) blues
I’m hurtn’ here.
It’s official, they’ve stopped giving Rob work. The managers & leads have lost all faith in him & his ability to get things done. They’re pissed off that our office would send someone like him out to MD. Now Samantha & I have to pick up his slack. In a perfect world he will be fired as soon as we return to Seattle, but we don’t live in a perfect world do we? Nope, we live in our world. Where fucked up things happen so often they’ve become expectable. *Sigh* Two more days…
Second Belly Buttons
So I went to go pee a few minutes ago, & as I was washing my hands guess who walks in & stands at the urinal. You guessed it, Robert J.
But over all, not weird right? Well, after he starts peeing he puts both of his hands on his hips like he’s freakn’ super man!!!
First off, how the hell do you get in to the habit of looking like a douche while taking a piss?
Second, how freakn’ small is that guys dick that he can pee without having to guide it? Seriously, I need to have at least one had on my junk at all times or else it’ll get all over my pants. Duder must have a second belly button down there.
Sleep Deprived
It’s after 1 a.m… I’m still at work… I’ve been at work for 17 hours… I’ll probably be at work for another hour… Rob left work 9 hours ago, because he’s an asshole… I need sleep…
Funny side story. I was walking back into the office while talking to my sister on the phone…
“Ok, I’m back in the office. I should probably get back to work.”
Sis “Sure thing bro. Bye, love ya’.”
“Uh, yeah. Love you too, bye.”
Coworker “Oh, was that Rob? How’s he doing?”
I’ve been at work for 17 hours with a bunch of jerks…
Big Baby
So I don’t know how many of these I can write, it’s not like I took notes, but I’d like to update you readers on just some of the crazy things Robert J has pulled while we’ve been hour here in MD.
The worst parts of this trip has been sharing two cars between the three of us. Robert J, Samantha Shrieker, & myself, fighting every weekend to use one of the cars. Seriously, aren’t I doing the world a favor by keeping Rob off the road? One of the worst experiences I’ve had out here happened while I was getting the car keys back from Robby. He basically confirmed that he had nothing to do, nowhere to go, & no one to talk to. I suggested he go to the mall & catch a show at Medieval Times (it’s only a five minute walk from where we’re staying), but he had no interest in exerting himself like that.
He continued on with his sob story, I was so close to getting the keys back too, I could see them in his hand. He tried making small talk by asking where I was going.
“No offence buddy, but I really don’t think what I do in my free time is any of your business…”
I finally got lucky when he was telling me about the size of the hamburger he had eaten for lunch, one of those disgustingly huge ones that are free if you can actually finish it. As he was motioning the burgers unrealistic proportions I quickly grabbed the keys from his hand.
“Ok thanks, peace out dude!”
Anyway I made it to my Aunt & Uncle’s house safely, & was really excited about going out with them too. We threw some ideas in the air about what we were in the mood for & where we should go when my Aunt came up with a great idea.
Aunt “There’s this burger place that seriously has the BIGGEST burgers in town!”
Cursing Robert J after loosing my apatite I went home. Baltimore sucks.
On the Good Foot
I feel good. Great actually, because last night we were invited to an office picnic. It was a great opportunity to hang out with the people we’ve been be working with. I was able to find some of the graphics guys & chat with them about nerdy stuff. It was so much fun *snort*. Unfortunately (for me, through association) not everyone did so well.
Robert J is already a very large awkward man, & like the last kid picked for kickball he shuffled around all night with his eyes on the ground. Even I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the pitiful schmuck. Never in my life have I seen anyone eat so many hotdogs, without being in a competition anyway. I’d hate to think that Rob’s fatness is directly linked to how sad he is. It’d be enough to make Edger Allen Poe stop bitching (side note: the Poe house is in Baltimore, right in the middle of what is now a very dilapidated neighborhood. Best weekend trip ever!).
After that night I’ve tried to ease up on him. I mean, he’s making himself look bad well enough on his own… it’s been like nails on a chalkboard. Here’s an example:
Rob “Hey, does anyone know the area code for the office?”
Everybody else in the room “…”
After a minute…
Rob “DOES ANYONE KNOW THE AREA CODE FOR THE OFFICE?!?!”
Still Rob was met with no response.
A few more minutes pass before Rob got up & walked into the adjacent cubical, where our project manager & the project lead are in the middle of a conversation.
Rob “Um, can you guys tell me what our area code is?”
Too bad for Rob managers on the upper echelons look down on us plebs with distain, if they even acknowledge us at all. I cringed at the thought of what they might say to him, & what repercussions Rob’s stupid question would have on the rest of us. Luckily they just talked over him until he went away.
Then something miraculous happened! Rob went back to his desk, opened up a program named internet explorer & use some website called Google to answer his own damn question. Rob was able to perform one task all by himself that day. But it still wasn’t enough to make me not hate Robert J.
Three Damn Months
Hey there people. Sorry I haven’t been very active lately. As my regular readers know I’ve been working in Baltimore for the last three months (actually I’m still here until the end of October).
Work has been keeping me pretty busy, so that’s my excuse for not blogging more often. Oh how I’ve missed my blog. On the plus side, I have a lot of family out here & I’ve compiled a ton of fun stories about my adventures out east. Sadly though, this isn’t the appropriate blog for those stories. This blog, my friends, is all about hating Robert J & boy do I ever hate that fat bastard.
As of right now, Rob barely has a job. It’s been hilarious monitoring his slow decline to unemployment (though I regret to inform you that it hasn’t quite gotten there yet). At one point his performance was so bad a HR liaison had to come in & talk to us individually.
HR “So tell me a little about Rob”
“I can’t claim to know him that well, what do you want to know?”
HR “Just share with me what you do know. How would you describe his personality?”
“He seems like a simple enough guy… He really likes food.”
HR “Heh, no kidding. So, you’d say he keeps to himself…?”
“HA! Hell no, you can’t get the guy to shut up sometimes…eh, um. I mean, he’s a very… social person.”
HR “Hmm, I see. How would you describe his work ethic?”
“Uh, nonexistent.”
HR “Excuse me?”
“Yelp! Erg, I mean, he’s very confident in his own ability.”
HR “Oh, I see… If you had a task that needed to be completed, could you rely on Rob to complete it?”
“*Sigh* Depending on the project…I would say I know Rob’s capabilities well enough to consider him, depending on the work.”
HR “Ok. Last question. (Thank god! It was taking every ounce of self-restraint I had to keep from venting.) Would you say that Robert J is competent at his job?”
“…No…”
The HR person lied to me. That wasn’t the last question they had. They grilled me & I broke under the pressure. Three months of pent up aggression came spewing out. Three months of keeping all of my comments to myself suddenly had an outlet that was willing to receive them. Half way through I had recited every blog I had written about Robert J, & by the time we finished up, I had my feet on the table & a mouth half full of Big League Chew. This was better than sex. *Snicker snicker snort*
Now there are a few things I want to clear up before you all get too excited. First, the ladies love cool France. Second, I can’t live without my radio. Finally, don’t call it a come back. I still have a few more weeks here in Baltimore so don’t count on me being able to post as often as I use to. I hope to have everything back to normal by November.
Ok that’s all for now, thanks for all the support & e-mails while I’ve been away. Blog on!
