Working examples 2: death from above
…So as I sit at my desk with a rubber band resting on my face, pondering where my life went wrong, I think about how this all started.
I’ll be the first to admit it, I like my boss. Not like that sicko! What I mean is she can be a funny person, & she’s a little less peculiar than the average worker around here. She’s a very robust & sassy Cajun woman from Louisiana, & she doesn’t take shit from anybody. She says she doesn’t want children because she’s already married to one & has pictures of her dogs all over her office, which is awesome if you’re ever in trouble because you can change the subject to her dogs & she’ll forget why she asked you to come over. I know, dog people, gross, but she reigns over this department like Martin Lawrence in Big Mama’s House 2 (god please make a third!).
Her office is at the end of our department & she uses it to stage her rubber band attacks on “unsuspecting youngsters” (aka me). I guess years of boredom here open the door to building very useless skills. Her accuracy with a rubber band is the thing of legend! I sit three cubicles back from her office, but she can still hit me in the back of the head without having to see me. Fundamentally amazing, but nonetheless annoying as all hell because I seem to be her only target. I guess because I’m in my mid 20’s she thinks she has to act like a kid around me so we can “relate.”
It all started innocently enough, a rubber band once in a while to get my attention. But then it caught on to everyone in the office. Now walks to the kitchen seem like the most one-sided game of dodge ball ever, I even had to come up with a strategy to get there unharmed.
- Quietly get up from my seat.
- Sneak past the space between Rob’s & my cubical. He’s more likely to throw a handful of rubber bands at me than actually shoot me with one.
- Then I have to dive & roll past Redneck Barry who, for some reason, always knows when I’m walking by. He also takes shooting rubber bands at me a little too serious.
- If I’m lucky enough I’ve rolled all the way to the back exit.
- Check to see it the coast is clear, & jump out into the hall.
- More often than not the hall is where I run into Wendy Slacks-A-Lot. She’ll ask random passersby to shoot rubber bands at me for her. If no one else is around to do it for her, it’s safe to move on.
- After turning a couple of corners I’m in the software area, the most dangerous leg of my journey. If I’m lucky I can get past the Costco Triplets with only a few welts. Those guys are extra coordinated because all the first person shooters & MMORPGs they play during work hours.
- & finally I can take a breather at my destination, the water cooler, before I have to fight my way back to my cubical.
I’ve gotten pretty good at “the gauntlet,” & it does keep me in shape. The only wildcard is Biblical David. One never knows where he’s going to pop up at any given time. I’m also not sure what he actually does. The best I can guess is he mediates between the office managers & us grunts, which is why he’s always running from office to office. Biblical David, well, he takes jokes way too far. I hear he’s the youngest of some crazy number of siblings & to get out from being picked on he’s always taken retribution for pranks & jokes well over the limit. One time I shot back a rubber band & his thought process told him the next logical thing to do was punch me in the face.
After about a week & a half of this they had thoroughly broken my spirit. I also started a rubberband ball! In the fist week it was the size of a softball. Things died down after I stopped putting up a fight, but for a while I had to convince my friends & family that the burses weren’t from an abusive relationship. But as you’ve probably guessed Rob still thinks shooting rubber bands at me is the most hilarious & appropriate thing in the world. Fucking A, I knew I should have gotten that cardboard!
Working examples 1: like a devastating tornado
It’s like a devastating tornado. When, the hot air that Rob spews mixes with the ice-cold demeanor of Redneck Barry. I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming. Lately the two have been talking about things they’re experts on like politics, business, & what an “any button,” on a computer is. It makes sense for a social outcast to latch on to someone more socially awkward than themselves, & that’s exactly what Redneck Barry did. Oh, what’s that? Who the hell is Redneck Barry? Well, let me paint a picture for you.
Redneck Barry is retired enlisted from the army. Further elaboration for those of you who don’t know what that is (like myself until I made the mistake of asking Redneck Barry, now I’m an unpatriotic liberal fruity art boy), it’s someone who spent their entire life in the military & now have relatively nothing to show for it. Well that is until he started stealing from government disability.
Barry is one of the scariest people that I know. I assume he planned on dying in some foreign conflict, but that’s the only explanation I can come up with for his blatant refusal to reassimilate into civilian life. He has a fake laugh that sound like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, he uses it to make people feel more comfortable around him, but the end result can make an entire room shudder. One time while I was getting cardboard to cover the top of my cubical (uh… I’ll have to explain that one later), I overheard a conversation he had with one of our supply guys about proper disposal for old hard drives.
Barry “I say you take them suck’rs out back & smash them!”
Supply Guy “Uh, you can’t do that…”
Barry “Of course you can! Tee-Hee! No one would be able to steal our info after you take a sledge hammer to ‘em!”
SP “Sledge hamm…. No! You can’t do that, there are rules. Proper dispos-“
Barry “You just “dispose” of ‘em in the garbage after a good smashing!”
SP “Look, this company has rules that we need to fol-“
Barry “You! Art boy!”
At this point I just wanted run out of the room & hide under my desk, but Barry had the exit blocked.
“…Me…?”
Barry “Yea’ you! You look young & healthy! Tomorrow you’re going to do some man’s work! You & I’z gona’ to go out back & smash us some hard drives! Tee-Hee!”
Before that I had never looked him in the eye while he fake laughed. It made my skin crawl.
“Uh, I have deadlines that I need to ma-“
Barry “BullSHIT! No one cares about your doodle bops & twiddlie dinks! But don’t tell anyone I’m doin’ this cuz they’ll cut off my disability n’ I’ll have to kill you!” & I believe he would.
After a few more EXTREAMLY uncomfortable minutes I was able to slide, with my back against the wall, out of the room. Then I quickly ran back to my cubical. I never thought that I’d be so happy to see it. Sitting back in my crappy old chair I think about how lucky I am to have gotten out of there in one piece. With my face pointed towards the ceiling I let out a sigh of relief.
*Smack!*
All of a sudden there’s a rubber band on my face, & in the background a very familiar & annoying chuckle.
Rob “Hee hee…. Bulls eye…..”
The committee of ‘Super Awesome’
So I’ve been talking to my work buddies about starting a committee. The committee of ‘Super Awesome’ (I came up with the cool name thank-you-very-much). I think I can throw my weight around as the youngest person in my department (by three years) to start a committee that “appeals to the young workforce demographic.” Now, I’m sure there are some of you out there that think this will be more work than it’s worth, & you’d probably be right. Never the less, I’m excited about organizing events that Rob would hate doing. Here’s an itemized list of events or activities that I think would be humorous to watch Robert participate in.
1. Touch Your Toes Day, or generic aerobic activities. This seems like one of the most likely suggestions because we can use foreign offices as examples to emulate.
2. Calorie Counters Day. Or, “sorry Rob, but you don’t get to leave three times today to go get fast food, & also take a lunch,” day.
3. College Alum Pride Day. Only because Rob is the only person who doesn’t have a degree in the office, & he makes it painfully obvious when talking to him. Now, I don’t want to sound elitist about having a college degree, to the contrary. I got a BA from a liberal arts school for graphic design, which is like saying I went back to kindergarten after I got my high school diploma. But if you’re going to beg for sympathy for having a hard time in your classes, make sure you’re not talking about math 101, especially here. It’s like complaining about burning your hand on the stove while in the burn ward of a hospital. Hell, Redneck Barry & Wendy Slacks-A-Lot have master’s degrees, & if they can do it anyone can.
4. Spring Cubical Cleaning Day. His cube constantly smells like Jalapeño Poppers, I think he keeps a stash of them in his filing cabinet.
5. Office wide lunch at a restaurant (our office is big, but not too big to make this impossible). If I have to deal with Rob all day long I want the higher ups to have to put up with him for at least one hour. I’m sure Rob’s inability to keep food in his mouth while chewing would go over well.
6. Workplace personality test. There are enough new hires around to justify redoing this, plus no one noticed last year when I walked out of my department ten minutes into the testing. In the year & a half I’ve been here my aptitude for apathy has shown me numerous hiding places, the best being the smokers area outside in the back. I don’t smoke, but it gives me a chance to look cool while consuming my Big League Chew.
7. Combined 30th birthday for the three software engineers who are turning 30 this month (I think the bosses got a package deal at Costco). But at the party only serve Fruit cake. I talked to the Triplets about it & they understand that it’s nothing personal, against them anyway.
8. I worked for a law firm right after college & they did this amazing thing every other Friday, they came up with a reason to give us lots of booze at the end of the work day (a very responsible thing to do before you have people drive home). I’d just like to see the people in this office drunk. I just hope they don’t notice I’m already tipsy by the end of the day on Fridays.
A few things you probably didn’t know about Rob.
Did you know that Rob has been around, & he has a few gems of knowledge to drop?
Did you know that Rob doesn’t have any degrees, but he’s more of an authority on computer science than someone with a B.S. in computer science? This also applies to business, & people with business degrees.
Did you know that Rob is capable of space time manipulation & can rearrange events in his life to support whatever AMAZING facts he’s telling you.
Did you know that Rob has a better story than you do, about whatever you’re talking about, even if he isn’t part of the conversation?
Did you know that Rob thinks Rob is the funniest Rob to ever Rob on the Robing Rob Rob?
Did you know that Rob is going to be murdered in five minutes if he doesn’t shut the fuck up!?!
Light Bright
Rob is the type of guy that makes my job a living hell. Guys like this are convinced that network engineers have a switch (like a light switch) for the internet that says on and off.
I’m thoroughly convinced that Rob thinks this is how computer’s work.
Side story
Found this at http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ but it sounds like something he would do, if he weren’t so damn pug fugly.
(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I have to travel…. with Rob
I got this e-mail today. I think I’m going to quit my job…
All,
I have received word the first team will travel to ******* for the ***** work on 27 July. The last I have heard is the travel is for 3 months with a return home for a week during the middle of the trip. This travel is pending a few outstanding issues that have not been resolved.
Two teams have been identified and are shown below. The teams were broken down based on available security clearances and significant life events.
Team 1
***** *********
Robert J
(Me)
A New Story From Rob
Wow, Rob made us listen to a story about how he would mock an old coworker with three fingers. Apparently he asked the guy to “give him three,” & was shocked when the guy took it personally.
Why the fuck would you tell us a story like that? I guess even sadder is the fact that I listened to it. These are the sacrifices I make for you readers.
Ok, question. What’s the most offended you’ve ever been after hearing a story?
Skinny Jeans
I’m not sure if I’ve done a good job conveying this in the drawings of our man Robert J, but he loves to wear pants that are way too skinny to fit on his fat ass. It’s like squeezing cookie dough from those Pillsbury pre-made cookie tubes. It’s fun (or in Rob’s case funny), but after a while it can make you feel sick to the dick. I know it’s not because he’s too poor to buy new pants (because he makes more than me). I wonder if he’s in denial about how old & fat he really is. He probably has the same mentality about his waist line, out of sight out of mind.
