Destroy all Robs
Have you ever hear the saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions?” Well I guess the opposite can be said as well, because Rob is prank proof. It’s so goddamn frustrating, all my plans & schemes bounce off his bulging stomach like they had no effect.
First thing I did in the morning was unplug his computer & his monitor, I wanted to start off small & work my way up. But instead of trying to fix his own problem, Rob called one of the network engineers to fix it for him. Between the smell of rotting Jalapeño Poppers & Rob farting on the poor guy I don’t feel like I accomplished anything but pissing off an innocent bystander. Also, by the time he got back to his own office my work e-mail stopped working, & my internet connection started timing out, I wonder if they’re at all related?
Undaunted, I forged ahead by removing a screw from his special fat chair. I made sure that when he leaned back it would break at the base. But no, of course it didn’t work. I watched him with giddy anticipation as he leaned far back in his seat. But nothing happened, not a damn thing. As soon as he left on a Jack in the Box run, his chair fell apart. Now, that would have been good enough if it had upset him, but he didn’t seem to care. All he said was “Wow, I’m glad I wasn’t sitting in it when that happened! Hooo hee he haa ooohh!” Then he took a minute to fix the chair, apparently it happens a lot because he had a couple extra screws just lying around.
I grew up watching Warner Brothers cartoons & I wasn’t about to get all Wiley Coyote on him, so I decided to call it quits for the day. Besides, there’s still 28 days until our trip to Baltimore. What I wasn’t expecting was any backlash. After lunch I had to send off a fax, & while I was in the copy room Rob came in.
Rob “Man, oh man, lunch was gooood today.”
“Harrumph.”
Rob “Yeah man, I went to this great little Mexican joint around the corner. Man! Do they have some spicy food.”
“Sigh.”
Rob “You should have yourself a taste. Smack-smack-smack”
The sound of Rob smacking his lips is not only annoying, but it’s probably one of the most hideous things to witness in person. The rapid succession of his lips moving sends his chins & jowls in to a frantic spasm. It looks like someone made a Bullfrog’s head out of Jell-O, & then bitch slapped it.
“Dude, I just got back from lu… ohh…. AAhhh! What the fuck!?!?”
Rob made me taste his burrito fart, & I’ll never forgive him for it.
No Rob Left Behind
I have a dream, that one day people will be held accountable for their actions. One day the worthless masses of society will be told the flaws of their poor ethics. No longer will children on leashes be tolerated. No more will common, decent, folks have to endure the mindless droning of the dim-witted while at the post office. No more will Octuplet moms be tolerated, or Jons & Kates be treated like Hollywood royalty, & Rob sure as fuck won’t be given a free pass on a project he didn’t complete!
On Wednesdays we have telecoms with our current project’s customer. It’s a short progress meeting where we tell them what we’ve accomplished & we hear their feedback on the work we’ve submitted to them. Our last meeting went like this:
Sheri Robin has done far more work than we expected her to, it all looks perfect.
My graphics are flawless (thank you, thank you), & the extra work packages I wrote were almost on par with Sheri Robin’s work.
The other writers worked proficiently & also accomplished more than expected.
Rob completed 44% of what was asked of him, but because the rest of the team made up for his unproductiveness he’s no longer expected to finish his work.
Thus ended this projects work cycle, we’ll hear back from them for follow work & revisions. To celebrate his “accomplishment” Rob has taken this Friday off. I on the other hand will be finalizing the last bit of work that I’ve done & get it ready to deliver. Words can’t describe how frustrated I am by this, so I’ve made a few up “Fucktoplastic Douchebuggery!”
More Unhealthy Living:
After a short outburst towards Robert J I’ve been trying to find solutions to my “anger” problem (aka my angry at Rob problem). In my research I ran across an article by Gretchen Rubin on getting along with irritating coworkers. Let’s just say nothing has been resolved. I e-mailed Gretchen about the ineffectiveness of her article & asked her if there was anything else she could come up with that might help. What I received was a self help chart plotting out tips on how to become a successful stay-at-home mother (just was I needed). Undaunted, I pushed forward, & tried to apply her calendar to my daily life. Things aren’t going so well…
It’s June, so I’ve already gotten behind on my self help tasks. Luckily these goals are so ridiculous one could easily accomplish a year’s worth of requirements in a few short months. First task: Identify the problem. Why would I be seeking this type of help if I didn’t know what my problem was? My problem is a 300+ lbs man who lives with his mother & is afraid of the shower. Ok, one step down & 95 to go.
Next she asks you to “Avoid time-wasters” (I assume she means her kids, but it’s only a guess). The strange thing is, immediately after that she asks you to “Take time to wander and play.” What was that, wander & play? That sounds like a waste of time… Again things get confusing when the suggestion “Put down my book!” comes up, & follows it up with “Read memoirs of catastrophe, Write a novel, Read at whim; re-read, Keep reading lists, Find more time to read, Make books, Study publishing; browse bookstores.” Stop being so damned indecisive! My favorite task is one of the last goals she sets for her readers. “Enjoy the fun of failure.” This has to be the best punch line ever, especially for a joke she’s been playing on people for a whole year.
But reading it sparks something in me. I’m reminded to not be complaisant with my station in life, I remember why I started this blog, & I realize just how much pleasure I get form hating everything there is to hate about Robert J. The company has already invested too much time & money into setting up this trip, so there’s no way they’ll fire Rob before we leave. But that also means I probably won’t get fired either. With our trip to Baltimore just around the corner I get a sense of near invulnerability. I think it’s time to send Sheri Robin an e-mail & get this ball rolling.
Unhealthy Living
On Thursday, June 18, 2009 Healthy Living published an online article by Gretchen Rubin, called “8 tips for liking someone better (or disliking that person less)”.
After my last, very vocal, altercation with Robert J I decided to seek outside help, & I don’t mean Sheri Robin. I ran across this self help article & I thought it would be a good idea to try out. Here are the results:
1. Seek contact. This is a bit counter-intuitive. If you don’t like someone, you probably feel like avoiding that person, but because of the psychological phenomenon known as the mere exposure effect, we tend to like people better the more we see them.
I sit by Robert J. I have to see him, all the fucking time. It’s been over nine months.
2. Do nice things for that person. “We prefer to see those to whom we do good than those who do good to us,” as La Rochefoucauld observed.
I’m currently doing Rob’s work for him, but he’s being very unappreciative about it.
3. Give that person a brief touch. Subliminal touching, i.e., touching a person so unobtrusively that it’s not noticed, increases people’s sense of well-being and positive feelings.
I will NEVER touch that fat fuck! He’s slimy & gross, & I’m not even sure his stubby little arms can reach most of the parts of his body to clean them. That & Redneck Barry might drag me out back & beat me for showing man on man affection.
4. Lighten up. Joke about whatever annoys you, and if you can manage it, laugh about it with that person, or poke fun at your own reaction. Nothing neutralizes bad feelings like a good laugh. This can be tough, however.
“Hahaha, Rob you’re a fat fuck who lives with his mom & has no friends! Lol”
Ok…. That one made me feel better.
5. Act friendly. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often we feel because of the way we act. So act the way you want to feel. This is uncannily effective—just try it.
I tried to do Rob’s work & enjoy it. But that only lasted about fifteen minutes because Rob had to walk over to Redneck Barry’s cubical I show him the menu from a burrito place down the street.
Rob “Look Barry, it has pictures!”
6. Resist criticizing that person. When you voice your complaints, they assume a solidity in your mind that’s hard to eliminate. When your thoughts remain unspoken, they can more easily be changed.
I look over & try to admire Rob. I noticed the entrenched hypnotic powers of Robert’s fat as he was vigorously scratching his pudgy jowls… This isn’t working.
7. Remember happy shared experiences. Recalling good times elevates mood and will help warm your feelings.
I think about the days before Rob worked here, they were good.
8. Be grateful. Reflecting on reasons to feel grateful, instead of reasons to be angry or annoyed, will help change your view.
I appreciate Biblical Dave whose hate for Robert J reminds me I have the support of the religious right (Not a lot of good that’s going to do now. Obama sucka’. ChAnGe!) I appreciate crazy-ass Sheri Robin who’s always there with a plan to take out Rob. I appreciate Wendy Slacks-A-Lot who still accomplishes more in a day than Rob does in a week, & for giving me someone to talk to during our extended fifteen-minute breaks. I appreciate the Software Triplets who supply me with endless amounts of web surfing to do during the day. But mostly, I’m grateful for you readers, whose opinions I value very much, & whose support I greatly appreciate.
Sit Down & Gets to Writing
It urks me to no end that Rob was able to call me out the other day. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I did take it a little personally. After that, everything he did annoyed me. He’d sneeze & I’d write a draft blog about how he has the most annoying sneeze in the world! But I was able to cool off, & I’ve decided to save you all from reading such poorly contrived blogs.
Here’s an excerpt from it “Rob sneezed today! I can’t believe he would do something like that! What’s wrong with him! He’s like some horrible sneezilopod with a stupid face that sneezed on the dumb of his face that is for hating!!!”
But we digress. I was mad at Rob, & on top of that I also have to do some of his work so that we make a deadline. It’s been killing me. I’m a graphic designer, not a writer. As you’ve all been able to tell I can hardly construct full sentences, let alone help write parts in a user’s manual. But that’s not even the worst part. About half way through the workday, Rob decides he’s done enough for the day & stops working. Whatever, fine dude, make yourself look like an ass. But don’t try to drag other people down with you.
For twenty minutes Rob goes over & talks to Redneck Barry about a pink car he saw during lunch & how it has to have been a woman’s car. First off Rob, that’s Kyle’s car, he works in Ad Services & he’s fabulous. Second, who the hell cares that much about the color of someone’s car? How are you going to dick around while you have other people doing your job? You’re not management! So, I told him how I felt.
“Rob!”
Rob “Huh, wa?”
“You need to go sit back down & get some of your work done.”
Rob “Whatever…”
“No! No, whatever, you’ve got three people working their asses off because you can’t make a damn deadline! That’s a bunch of bull! Stop messing around & get some work done!”
Sheri Robin from her cubical “YEAH!”
Our exchange goes on a little longer, but nothing of importance was said. He eventually walked back to his seat & sat down. I don’t know if he went back to do any work, but at least I can pretend he did. Seriously, if you’re going to slack off at least lie to me about it. Like me for example, it sounds like I’m the world’s most devoted employee when in fact I’m just writing blogs.
Rob & Hate, Plus 8
So there I am minding my own business when Rob starts moaning along to his 80’s hair metal. I’ve been really patient with him about his music lately. Most of the time I’ll just put on my headphones & play them just loud enough to drowned out his music & whatever bodily noises he has accompanying them. Worst case scenarios have forced me to walk over & ask him to turn it down, & I’ll admit he’s become more receptive to my requests. But it’s become a daily routine, & today I got fed up & let him know.
“Rob!”
Rob “Huh, wa?”
“You need to turn it down.”
Rob “Uh, yeah, ok. No problem.”
“Actually Rob there is a problem, you’ve also been moaning along to your music.”
Rob “Ohh aah haha ha. Really? Whoa, hah ha.”
“Yeah, you should knock it off.”
I don’t know about you readers, but after moments like that my inner monologue goes into overdrive. I think it has something to do with my endless fascination with the nickelodeon show Pete & Pete.
“Aaahhh, that felt good. A short victory walk back to my chair. Sit down &…. Oh what’s that? A new e-mail? Oh, it’s from one of the triplets.”
Word on the street is that a while back one of the triplets made a Valentine’s Day cartoon for a girl. Seeing how I’m so suave with the ladies I thought I’d give him my expert critique. I click on the link to open flash player & before I realize what’s happened my speakers are blaring out what’s probably the cheesiest love song in the long history of love songs. Needless to say I was thoroughly embarrassed, everyone in my department wanted to know what was going on, & Rob asked me to keep it down.
Lunch time is my time
Have you ever tried really hard to avoid someone, just to see them at every turn you take? That’s what my lunches have become because of Rob. Lunch was the best part of showing up to work. It’s was little escape from the tedious nine to five world that I live in. The time of day I thought people like Robert J can’t mess with.
When I first started I usually ate in the cafeteria, or at my desk. Not because I didn’t have any friends but because I could, because it was quiet & relaxing. In his first few weeks of working here Rob changed all that. He was constantly hovering around & yelling about something, & commenting on how people’s lunches look “sucky.” Sorry I made my lunch at 4 a.m. before taking a shower Rob, I really wish I lived with my mom too so she could also pack my lunch for me.
That led to me going out to lunch with some friends, & for a while things were good. But not today, Rob was everywhere during lunch! We’d walk down the street & we’d see Rob pull up, then we drove to the mall & saw Rob walking around. I know I’m not crazy about this, I have witnesses! If he keeps interfering with my personal time, I’m going to have put a hit on him though Sheri Robin.
Robert J is Killing This Office
He’s only been given three projects in the nine plus months since he started working here, & he’s fucked all of them up.
Our current project is basically busy work for those of us who’ll be traveling these upcoming months. Really easy stuff, & a flexible deadline of two more weeks. We’ve had four months to work on it & everyone else has their work in the review process so we can make our delivery date, but Roberts percentage completed is only 23%! None of the other writers are working on their packages. I actually had to stretch my workload so that I’d have images to make the whole time, & our editors are almost done reviewing the docs. Why does he still have a job? He was even given permission to turn in a 70% completed work package.
My boss is the PM for this project & she’s has some choice words for him the entire time. She’s had a weekly quota on bugging him about getting his work done, but it still hasn’t helped. With the deadline right around the corner she was a little tougher on him today than usual. He didn’t take it very well & argued with her the entire time about the quality of his work (which is nonsensical gibberish). Even Sheri Robin had to jump in & school Robert on what’s going on.
She’s especially pissed at him because she’s one of the writers chosen to pick up his slack. She was trying to avoid the conversation altogether but Rob tried to take credit for some of the work she was doing (my boss knew full well that she had been working on it). I now understand her violent urges towards Robert J a little better. Rob might even be responsible for her weird blinking.
P.S. He still hasn’t eaten his donut.
Heeeey budy!
I couldn’t take it this morning, I was drained. I needed help, & I found it the only why I knew how… Donuts, lots of donuts.
I also tried an experiment today. After I showed up to work with the donuts, & before he had a chance to pause the Loverboy & get up, I brought one to Rob.
“Heeeey budy!”
Rob “Huh? What?”
“I brought you a donut buddy, a very special donut…”
Rob “Huh? Ok…”
“I hope you enjoy it buddy, I got just for yooouuu.”
With Robert J thoroughly creeped the fuck out, I walked proudly back to my seat. Now everyone else has a chance to get a donut before Robert eats all of them, & the best part is he’s afraid to eat it! You can see the inner turmoil killing him! Every time he looks like he’s going to throw it away I give him a menacing glance & he stops.
I also got an e-mail from Sheri Robin, all it said was:
“Plan #15-A-DNT? Nice choice.”
