Fund-raise the Roof
So for some reason the powers-that-be decided to place Redneck Barry in charge of our holiday fundraiser. Every year we get a few dollars together & put it towards a good cause. I think last year we raised money for neglected children… or something…
Anyway, because Barry is in charge this year our money is going to military personnel who are overseas for the holidays. Now, look, I’m going to sound like an ass for saying the things I’m about to say & I just want all of you to know, though I have some issues with the way this country is run I do love America & what I was raised to think that stood for. I grew up an army brat, & to this day I still have a great deal of respect for people who devoted their lives to the armed services, it just wasn’t for me.
So that being said, fuck helping people who are in the military. Are you fucking serious?!? It’s their fucking jobs to be over there, no one asked them to enlist. The only reason they’re there is because of the life choices they made that got them to that point. I have absolutely no sympathy for people in their situation. I mean they’re at least getting paid to be over there. I’m not going to feel sorry for them, especially when there are people in our neighborhood that would benefit much more from our charity. Personally I’ve always supported breast cancer research, because well, tities are awesome (On a serious note, I’ve lost three grandparents to cancer & my mother & sister run a high risk for breast cancer, so I really support breast cancer research & awareness. That & gay rights! Because tities are awesome, but two pairs of tities rubbing on one another are even better)! Shit, if we’re going off of that logic I’ve only been at home for three month out of the last nine. Where the hell is my care package?
To add insult to injury, Barry asked his good buddy (only buddy) Rob to help make this fundraiser happen. So what’s Rob’s plan? He wants to send them care packages full of food! Only a fat fuck like Rob would think of that. Dude, they have a mess hall! They get fed. Shit, when my mom left our dad home to watch us we’d eat MREs (meals ready to eat, they’re like military rations) they’re not that bad.
So never mind all the work Rob should be doing, what really gets to me are the constant e-mails he sends out whenever someone gives him money. It’s doesn’t even seem like we have a choice. He’s walked around twice asking people for money. Don’t get me started on the way he addresses people in his e-mails either. He makes it sound like he’s the only one contributing!
Rob “We, I’ve manage to raise another $100 for the troops.”
Fuck you Rob, that’s not your money. It was also fun to read the countless e-mail suggesting we invest into gifts more practical than peanut butter & playing cards, like I don’t know, phone cards & web cams.
Sister’s got a brand new bag
I don’t always have the most charming of personalities, in-fact one could say I’m downright awkward in public. Have you ever been in a situation where it’d just be best for you to walk away, but for some reason you can’t?
So for the holidays my sister asked if I’d join her on a shopping trip to pick up presents for our parents. I, being the most devoted son in the world jumped at this opportunity, seeing as I have absolutely no idea what my parents like. A date was set, & the plan was for us to meet up at the mall one day after work.
My instructions were simple, my sister was on the second floor of Nordstrom’s looking at purses. So I parked my car, went inside the mall, took the escalator to the second floor, & made my way to the purses. Upon my arrival I saw my sister, her back turned to me, looking at purses. But for some reason she had tried to bleach her hair. My sister & I have very dark brown hair, if there’s one thing we’re happy about inheriting from our parents it’s our nice hair. She had done this once before in college. I think it was her attempt to rebel against our parents for one reason or another.
Me “What the hell did you do to your hair?!?”
That’s when the pregnant lady, who was clearly not my sister, turned around… fuck…
Me “Wow! You are not my sister.”
Lady “I know.”
Me “… But you should take it as a compliment. Because she’s…”
Ohhh no, I’m not going to put my foot in my mouth again. I was going to say “Because she younger than you & totally not pregnant.”
Me “…Because she’s young, & very athletic (which is totally true, as she constantly proves by beating me up).”
Lady “…Ok…”
I’m a glutton for punishment, & in stressful situation I just don’t know when to quit.
Me “So, when’s the baby due?”
Lady “… No baby…”
…Fuck…
Me “Well no fruitcake for you this year. HAhah haha hahaaaaaaaa aaahhhhh… Yeah, this is awkward… I’m just going to go now…”
Lady “You should do that.”
